


Understand

by slimmity



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-25
Updated: 2012-09-25
Packaged: 2017-11-15 00:09:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/520966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slimmity/pseuds/slimmity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You can’t say you’re surprised when you see him, but it’s still a little sad.<br/>You know that feeling, like the storm has already come and gone but you can’t let go of the feeling of numb. You can’t let go of what you lost and what you can’t really say you ever had.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Understand

You can’t say you’re surprised when you see him, but it’s still a little sad. 

His teeth are chattering, and his nose is running, and his hands are shaking. You can’t say that you don’t pity him, but you can’t say that you do. 

You know that feeling, like the storm has already come and gone but you can’t let go of the feeling of numb. You can’t let go of what you lost and what you can’t really say you ever had.

You think that it is the same feeling as what troll Leonardo Di Caprio felt as he slowly died watching his beloved safely clinging to the last shard of hope left to either of them. You hate yourself for that reference, 

Karkat is getting to you.

But still, that’s beside the point. You could go the shitty route and say,

“I digress”

But only douche lords say that. 

……….

You digress

You can’t believe he did it, you know exactly what he did; you can’t believe he did it. You don’t know if you’d be able to do the same thing for your own friends.  
You think of Karkat and Feferi and Aradia, and all the people they love. How they would be lost without them.

You remember what that was like, actually.

You’ve already seen that, and it’s already broken your heart. 

It kind of breaks your heart just a little more, because you understand suddenly.

Fuck

Why did he do that?

You don’t know if you can actually fix this one

That’s probably what he was thinking too.

When he went through with it

You know the others can’t see behind his spazing out and his incoherent babbling. You know they don’t understand even if they do know.  
What he did for them, that is.

You can feel the psiionics on the back of your neck and it sends a creeping chill that seeps into your skin. You feel the constant headache, even more painful as you remember it’s there.

Even you can’t really fully imagine what kind of pain he went through. 

It was his fate, too, Condesce, the ship, the everything that never happened.

But also did

Permanently etched behind your eyes, you know his fate.

That was your fate too, that’s not really his fate anymore.

That’s not really your fate anymore, either.

And you just kind of feel lost.

You remember you’re just creepily watching him from behind this tree. You remember that you’re supposed to hate him, or be scared of him like everyone else and their ancestors.

That aren’t really ancestors anymore. 

That aren’t really anything but people resembling something inside of who you are.

You guess that’s what the humans were talking about when they mentioned family and siblings. 

You would be scared of him, but he just makes you sad. You just want to hold him and tell him you understand what he’s done, what he feels. 

What his own brain does to him.

You want him to hold you too, reassure you that it’s all worth it.

And , Fuck. You know it’s worth it

Sometimes though

Sometimes the pain is too much, and you want to die, and you want nothing more than to die without guilt.

Guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt.

Guilt, of knowing you’ll never be good enough to make it. In the end they’ll only see you for what you can’t do. 

Guilt that they only see you at your worse, when you’re cursing them dead.

When you’re cursing the only thing keeping you going.

Maybe, he won’t understand at all.

But that’s crazy, because love can unite many, but pain can unite countless more.

So, you take a step forward and realize you were scared all along. Scared of yourself and what you want to be to him. 

Always scared of what they’ll think of you

Always scared you can’t fix the pieces already smashed to powder anyway

You sit down beside him

You are patient, and you can see behind his messed up mind, his messed up words, that he’s brimming with intelligence. 

Just like you.

He can’t say what he means, he can’t mean what he says. Sometimes he doesn’t even know, in his own think pan, what he means. 

But he feels it.

And he never apologizes to you.

You understand

What no one else could ever understand

That these numbers you think in are deeper emotions than anyone would ever give them credit for.

It’s so stupid to cry over 2’s and 9’s and 3’s and 7’s

But when they’re rearranged in a way that solve the universes most complex equations, you can’t help but feel such gratitude.

It was completed.

He gave his body to the sequence and it used him in a way that made him beautiful

He can’t be angry.

That’s just how it is, and you understand that he doesn’t want to be fixed.

He’s glad you understand

He can see that in your eyes, too

That you DO understand

But he doesn’t want to be fixed.

So you listen to his nonsensical babbling

And you’re just a little happy, and he’s smiling. 

But he’ll never stop shaking, and you know without a doubt, 

Someday you’ll be just as broken.


End file.
